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mez1602

nacho meza
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                       I was wrong.  
                           What a fucking idiot I was to think I could do this!
                               How fucking stupid am I for even trying to beat this idiotic brain defect? Fuck. I should have been doing some art....I mean anything would be great right now.                                         Instead minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years have gone by and here I am. Still angry. Still sad. Still a nothing. Fuck you brain! Fucking traitor! 
                        And this is just a tiny slice of what is going on inside my head most days and nights. What I should really be saying inside is keep fighting it. Never let this beat you. Never give in to the dark thoughts. FIGHT!! FIGHT! FIGHT IT UNTIL IT IS ERADICATED!! Talk to someone! Do not try to beat it alone! Please get back to who you really are! Go and create something!! 
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How do I start this? I've been drawing since about 12 years old or so, I think. I love all types of art and sometimes I will tear up when I see a piece of artwork that is just gorgeous. For years I would practice and learn as hard as I could and suddenly just stop. I always assumed it was because I wasn't "Inspired" to draw. I was wrong. I've battling with depression for years. Looking back now I can see what was going on. Things got worse when my Mom passed away after years of battling cancer back in July. I'm not ashamed to admit that I feel like a broken and useless individual. And looking at what I've done with art didn't help. 
So now from the start of 2016 I have slowly got myself back to the drawing. I'm forcing myself to do this. I don't want to do anything but sleep all day and or disappear from everything. I refuse to let this beat me anymore!! My dream was to be an artist! I wanted to draw comics! Now all I want is to get better! I want to get to the point where I can create whatever I want! IF along the way I get paid to do what I have loved since a kid that would be great. IF I don't it will not break me. I will pass on whatever knowledge I have accumulated and teach my kids. No more failure. Fuck depression! 
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So since I hurt myself at work I have had some time to draw and mess around with some coloring. Bought me some new copics and I finally got my light box that I have been wanting for over a year!! :D As soon as I can I will post up some of the goodies I have been messing around with. Also it has been nice showing my younger babies some things I have taught myself through the years.  My stuff is not even close to the awesomeness that gets posted here on DA by all you wonderful people but it feels good to be able to put pencil to paper again. I love art so much!

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Working overnight, doing my Mr. Mom impersonation and getting healthy has all contributed to me not drawing. Yeah I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses but I was in a very bad depressive state of mind too. Too many times I have abandoned my one true love (corny I know) and it hurts. Almost get teary-eyed thinking how good I could possibly be by now if I'd just ignore everything and work on art! That sounds selfish so that is also why I fall away from this. Soon I believe I will be able to focus on this and I will attempt to get commissions and all that fun stuff but right now it is just a slow crawl.

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I love art.
Simple as that, right? Not really.
I have been drawing off and on since I was in 8th grade.......I think! lol. I am 34 and my 14yr old daughter and my 8yr old daughter are both drawing. My oldest can draw and paint. She draws faces way better than her OLD man ever has! :D I love that so much. I don't know what I would do without the ability to draw at all. It calms me. I keeps me young at heart. Every single day (whenever I actually get her on DA) I see something amazingly awesome!! I have been doing my best "Rocky" training with my art. An hour here or a few minutes there but I am loving it. I carry my massive sketch book to work and get something in at break every night. I'm actually enjoying coloring! lol! Always hated it and feared it. Inking on the other hand is a pain in the ass!! :P
I hope whoever reads this understands that no matter what.......YOU have to love that you have the ability to draw and create!!








Keep drawing and never ever give in to doubt. Make it your bitch and laugh at it. :P

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Featured

I thought I could beat depression and anxiety..... by mez1602, journal

Depression did this. by mez1602, journal

Home for over a week.... by mez1602, journal

Where have I been?? by mez1602, journal

Nothing but LOVE....... by mez1602, journal